Green Eggs and Spam

Written by Big Orange Michael with apologies to Dr. Seuss.

I open my in-box
And what do I see?
A thousand special offers
All just for me!

Offers of credit and low cost homes
Ways to reduce interest on those pesky student loans
Cures for ailments I didn’t know I had
If I don’t take advantage of them, I sure will be sad.
How did I get signed up for all these lists?
It’s starting to make me kind of miffed.

I do not need your impotence pills
I do not need another living will
I do not want to be a secret shopper
I do not want your popcorn popper

Keep your X-boxes and your PS-3s
I do not need them, don’t you see?
I spend all day deleting SPAM
I do not like it, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM!

I do not need a brand new car
I do not want to pick up girls in a bar
I do not need some more insurance.
Of this I give you a lot of assurance.
I do not need your offering of SPAM
I do not need them SPAM, I am.

I do not need free meals at Shoneys
I think your offer is a lot of baloney.
I do not want to look at your porn
I do not want to sleep ‘til morn.
I do not need your crazy offers
Of ways to fill my meager coffers.

I do not want your crazy SPAM.
Please make it stop, SPAM, I AM!

I can't opt out, don't you see?
Every list I decline, signs me up for three!
I used to look forward to checking my mail
Now I try to read messages from my friends and fail
Your useless offers have ruined my life
And filled me with such woe and spite

I set up filters to weed you out
But you are tricky, you crazy lout!
You will not let me get away
Your offers come at all hours of the day

I do not need your crazy SPAM,
Please make it stop, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM.